Welcome back, October, my favorite month of the year.
Not because I have some beautiful memories attached to you. In fact, I met the scariest day of my life in this month.
You are the month that starts showing up even before the calendar changes. The weather, the mornings, the nights—everything starts speaking to me. And I, who have learned to stand strong even when I am heartbroken, anxious, or still trying to remain realistic, still find myself trembling when you arrive.
October still makes me shiver. It makes my hands tremble and my palms and feet sweat. It is the month in which I actually met the woman I was in 2022. I still wake up suddenly with cold sweat and cant sleep.
And yet, somehow, the month that brought me so many emotional difficulties has become the month I love the most.
Because you remind me of what needs to be released.
You remind me to come back to myself. To held myself more closely. To hold myself with tenderness. And to be proud of how far I have come with each passing year.
You are the month in which I honor the woman who once felt abandoned, broken, body-shamed, ugly, helpless, and disoriented. The woman who began a journey back to herself.
The woman who was lost somewhere inside her own home. The woman who always wanted to feel validated. The woman who was constantly questioned, judged, and mocked.
And yet, she chose to stand up. She leaves the bed and dare to open the door to air out her room and smiles that she no longer is scared to open her eyes and face the light.
And she was held by God—tightly.
The woman who once decided to end her life eventually chose to live the rest of it, fully.
And even today, when October comes, the scent of the air, the nature, the mornings, the changing weather—all of it brings those hidden emotions back. Not to hurt me anymore, but to remind me to be grateful for how far I have come emotionally.
And it gives me hope.
Hope that someday, I will welcome October without even a hint of the past. That I will sit with my chai early in the morning, meditate, breathe deeply, and simply take in the scent of October.
Perhaps one day, I will no longer feel the need to brace myself when you arrive.
Because when I look back now, I have stopped seeing October as the month that broke my heart.
I see it as the month that shook me so deeply that I finally woke up to learn to be there for me.
I woke up from a deep sleep.
Yes, there is still that sweat in my palms. Earliest mornings. Tears rolling down out of no where. That hesitation. That little part of me that feels unsure about going outside and breathing in the fresh air, taking in the scent, the weather, the fall.
But slowly, slowly, I remember—
It was nothing more than a journey back home.
A journey back to myself.
And for that, October, I am grateful to you.
(From my journal 24.09.2026)
Love
Shweta